I use this as my canvas. My little diary that i trust no one ever reads (plus i suck at keeping diaries). So here, my forlorn woes i shall spill.
Throughout the years, i have learnt there is no one u can trust. And i mean no one. Not your parents, not your significant other, not your closest friends. Everything has to be taken with a pinch of salt. I never thought the person that i loved the most would betray me. Every day i’d be a fool, thinking, waiting, of the times we’ll have together. Making lists of plans to do. Looking at places to go. All together. Getting overexcited just at the thought of..you. The way you smell, your stupid jokes. Chivalry was not dead with you either. I was me, the idiotic, stupid me, who only had eyes for you. So much baggage, so much negativity. With everything i had, i loved you. Without a doubt i did. Perhaps that was a mistake. They say out of sight, out of mind. To you, that was true. You hurt me. I thought we were impenetrable, us against the world. I shouldve known better. How could you? But with everything you have done, with all that i am, i loved you. And i dont think i could ever let you go. Even if i wanted to. And so here we are. You get offended with everything i say. Every action is stupid to you. When all i want to do is to make you laugh. Have little adventures with you. Be silly. But i can’t seem to get through to you to even start. As much as i loved you, i could see our differences. Now, all im trying to do is to please you. But pleasing you is me not being myself. I have to think twice before i say anything. I find myself drained, losing my own sense of..me. Maybe i am not what u want. Maybe we are still in this because we are afraid of what will happen if we didnt have each other. Maybe we are just too different. Maybe we are in this because of the ties with others that this relationship has formed. Maybe its our long history. Maybe your answer is love, because u still love me unconditionally. Maybe thats me wishfully thinking.
Times like these i just want you next to me, with a bowl of comfort food.
Wish i could come back to a home. Seems like i’m coming back to a house with a rented room which is mine.
I have to escape my head.
You are my escape.
People say they know you, but they can’t even read you. Slowly, everyone is forgetting who i am, what i’ve done, how i’m like. I’m starting to lose myself too. I’m just somebody you use to know. Just a walking soul.
Why do you have to ruin what i was hoping for?
As much as u want to believe they do, no one actually cares about you Danisha. So don’t try. They don’t give a damn.
Haven’t felt this way in a darn while. When life decides to rear its ugly head drowning you into its empty eyes, leading you to believe that you were dragged to such a fate. When you wake, if you do sleep, this feeling of hopelessness rushes back to you as soon as you open your eyes. Makes you not want to wake at all, and just stay in a fantasy dreamland where it was just a myth. Heavy eyes, swell up from the streams that flowed. Days of not having a decent meal, not because you can’t, rather loss of an appetite, an unheard of thing to me. Headaches that conglomerate as a result of too much that the mind can’t handle. No one can help you, you are in this alone. And either way, you’re breathing, you’re living. You are alive.